So...summer has officially started for me. The day school ended I had a complete and total breakdown. Complete with crying, a panic attack, crawling in my mom's bed, telling her how much I am terrified of growing old and how much I'd rather die that grow up, before finally passing out from all of the crying and screaming and sleeping in her bed with her. Happy summer to me.
My Uncle Bill died. I barely knew him. I really regret that..
Then I got told that my dad absolutely despises my mom because of everything we've gone through this year. He blames her for everything that's gone on. He says that she didn't raise me right. Mr. Spend All My Money On Beer blames MY mother for not raising me right?! Mr. Offer My 15 Year Old Weed thinks SHE'S a bad parent?! That pisses me off beyond belief. But...he's my dad...and I love him...but also...she's my mom...and I love her. But I hate them both too.
My mom was too punch drunk in love to realize her step-son was quietly screwing with my mind and sexually abusing me. My mom was too far in denial to realize I was cutting myself. "I tripped, mom." "Okay, honey." Right. I tripped...right into a pile of razor blades and safety pins. My mom was too far into denial to realize when I told her straight to her face "I want to kill myself." that I seriously needed help.
My daddy was too scared of saying the wrong thing to talk to me. My daddy was so terrified of me and ashamed of me to say anything more than "Alrighty then." My daddy was too busy running from child support payments to realize I needed a father. My daddy was too busy spending his money on weed and beer to realize how much deep shit our family had gotten into while he was running from us and the cops.
Brother was too busy chasing a stripper to Maryland to notice that his baby sister was falling into deeper shit every day. Too busy chasing her love to notice that the one who used to play cars with him was now playing a very different game with a very different boy.
Sister was too engrossed in a boy who didn't care to care that her shadow was getting darker and seemed to never leave her room except when HE called for her and they retreated to his room. Too engrossed to care about how much worse she got every day.
I guess it makes sense that I'm fucked up. Mommy didn't believe it. Daddy said nothing. Brother didn't notice. Sister didn't care.
Maybe I put the blame on people too much...but when I was that young I craved theattention and I didn't notice it was wrong. Someone surely must have noticed...but they didn't...or they did...or they didn't care..I don't know. The damage is done though. And I'm a fucked up teenager.
I look happy, I look fine, but when I break down...when I fall...I fall like a brick, and I explode like a dying star. No one's seen me break down...really break down...where I can't breathe, where I'm shaking, where I'm screaming myself raw. The only person who has ever seen it is my mother...and she saw it for the first time last night. She cried into my back, she shook with me, and whispered all about how she couldn't lose me.
But sometimes...all I want is to be lost..
Happy summer.