ThisIsMe13

Sarcasm. I've been used. Twice now. Ex wanted to date again so be didn't have to feel lonely. I didn't know that. Said yes. He felt better aaaaaannnnnddddd dumped me. Awesome. Met this guy named Randall. He was a year older than me. We started hanging out. He was funny and nice and I liked him. I snuck him into my house and we had sex. Then he blocked me and I haven't heard from him since. Awesome. So now I'm lonely.

Just as it says. Ready for me to unload all this on you? Let's go. 
My boyfriend of 11 months told me "I love another girl while I love you" about 3 months ago. 
I was about thiiiissss close to dumping his ass. 
"But I hate myself for it, and I love you so much more." 
Goddammit. 
So I was bitter, jealous, and mean towards her. 
She is his best friend. 
She lives 5 minutes from him. 
I live 4 hours from him. 
I felt like at any moment he would dump me and go for her. 
So we argued all the time about it. 
So he came to visit for a week, and we got pretty damn close...because we forgot the condom (which is a stupid excuse, I know).
When we went to take him home it was kinda sad. 
About 20 minutes from his parents though...we started arguing. 
I told him it hurt to be stuck here. 
I told him when he called her the night before and had her on speaker, I had watched his face.
I told him all about how his eyes looked and his smile looked. 
I told him he never looked at me that way. 
So I asked him to choose between me and her. 
The answer was clear in seconds. 
Her.
That was it. 
After reassuring me everyday he loved me more. 
After telling me I was the best person in his life. 
After constantly saying he would never leave me for her. 
After telling me all of this shit that I was better. 
After saying he would never hurt me like Riley did. 
He did.
He hurt me just as bad. 
He reduced me to nothing. 
A broken mess. 
And now...now it's a wait to find out if I'm pregnant. 
And if I am, I'm fucked. 
Everyone I know that can drive is severely against abortion. 
And the one person who wouldn't have asked questions when they drove me, moved. 
If my mom found out, she'd make me keep it.
Not abortion.
Not adoption.
It'd be mine to take care of.
My mom told me a few years ago,
"My grandchildren will not be dead, or raised in someone else's home..if you get pregnant, it's your responsibility."
While I agree it is my responsibility.
And I feel like shit for trying to get rid of that type of responsibility.
However, I have my whole life ahead of me. 
I don't need this shit. 
I was stupid, and I regret it. 
Not anything I can do now. 
My life will be ruined. 
And I've been crying since 10. 
Its now 2:30. 
I need sleep. 

Kk. So I'm so sick of people claiming that they are a safe person to talk to or they run a safe space. I seriously posted my own fucking opinion on tumblr and had two people calling me asshole, douche, idiot, and telling me I was a misogynist and I was unfit to be a woman. I go to their blogs where they claim to be a fucking safe space. Sure. Sure you are. Not like I'm fucking suicidal, a recovering self harmer, and it's not like I cry myself to sleep most nights or anything. Your comments are not appreciated. Besides that, I'm still a fucking minor and you are an adult. Way to go. You succeed at life. You made a fucking 16 year old girl want to go straight back to cutting. Go you. 

Well I'm at a party. I'm lame, I know, being on my phone at a party. But oh well. We played a game of Truth or Dare that quickly turned into a sexual Dare or Dare. I bit a guys butt. And I had my face shoved in a vagina. And I had my nipples touched. Weird day. 

Especially Jerry and his wife. I can't remember her name, but I spent a lot of time with those two. They might have passed on by now...I really don't know. I lived next door to this older couple when I was born-3 years old. I remember Jerry vividly. I remember spending a lot of time with him. I don't remember his wife well. I would often sneak off from my mom when I was little. Up until about 12 years old. I wouldn't say a word, I would just disappear. I would go to visit my neighbors and friends and be back a few hours later. By the time I was 5 my mom no longer freaked out. She would just call our closest neighbors and ask if I was with them and then wait for me to come home. Jerry and his wife were always welcoming to my little toddler self coming to their house unannounced. I think it's because they missed their own kids. Anyways, I used to go over there almost every day. I would go inside and sit on the floor while I watched Jerry roll his cigarettes and put them in a tin for later. He'd then pull out drawings of people in various yoga poses and start to do them. I always tried to imitate him, usually failing, but he was always kind in telling me how I could change it to get it right. He taught me about the third eye, meditation, breathing calmly, and taking moments to myself. His wife would bring out cookies or some other kind of snack, and we would all eat. Then it was out to the garden. His garden was huge. His wife had her quarter filled with beautiful flowers. The rest were fruits and vegetables. I'd help out a little in the garden and head back home. Everyday went on pretty much the same. I remember other times when things were different. Like when we would clean the basement or the attic instead of going into the garden. I was scared of his basement because of the furnace he had there. I thought he had a dragon living there. The attic was filled with statues bringing good luck, peace, wealth, happiness, and other things. He taught me about a lot of them. When we moved I hated it. Years later, when I was 9- 11 years old, I went back. His house was a lot smaller. His garden was a lot smaller. Although I suppose that had more to do with me than with anything he did. He picked up with the yoga right where we had left it. And this time when we went out to the garden he took me to the very back. He taught me how to shoot a bow&arrow and how to throw knives. He had a large hill in his backyard and he was too old to climb it anymore, but he invited my cousins and I to do so. We claimed it as our own. We put a flag at the top (a piece of a dishcloth with sharpie on it), and we dubbed it "Sugar Mountain" because of how the dirt resembled red sugar more than actual dirt. It took me weeks to find a path to the very top. Everyday I worked harder to get there. I remember sitting at the very top when I finally made it. I looked down and could see Jerry in the garden. I whistled to him and waved when he looked up. He gave me a thumbs up and motioned for me to come down. When I did, there were sugar cookies and milk waiting. Then another yoga lesson. I was thinking about Jerry and his wife today. I really miss them...I miss how simple their life was. I miss how they treated me like I was another one of them. I miss how their love for each other shone and grew day by day. I miss the little things of childhood.